


be my downfall

by cosmicApproach



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 16:54:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19322278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicApproach/pseuds/cosmicApproach
Summary: Shuichi's mind felt so full, it was empty.





	be my downfall

**Author's Note:**

> [major spoilers for chapter 5!]
> 
> this is based on the idea of, "what if shuichi had read the book kaito had with him during the trial?" I've always wondered what might be in there, so I hope you enjoy this exploration of it.
> 
> posted for day 7 of oumasai week on twitter!

His mind felt so full, it was empty. Images of Kaito behind the glass, of the hole in the earth, of the sound of the execution failure alarm. Kaito's body. Kaito's blood. And blood under the 100-ton press, that he could now put a name to. Shuichi was feeling the weight of it all, and no weight at all, in the same moment. It was nauseating. 

He put on a strong face, held his head up high, when he was confronting Monokuma. He had to, he made a promise. He was going to end this. He wouldn't let their deaths be in vain. He wouldn't let this happen again. But being strong for that moment was about all the detective can muster.

Shuichi thought he felt himself drop to his knees, but he's not sure. Well, he got there somehow. He wasn’t sure when he clumsily decided to pick up the book in front of him, but he did. Kaito had it, Kokichi wrote it, it had to be worth more than just a script. Seemed his detective senses were still kicking, even when nothing else was.

Shuichi felt a hand on his shoulder. "Come on," the grip was firm but empty, the voice sturdy but hollow. Maki. That's right, he wasn’t the only one living this. He had to get to his feet. As he got up, he squeezed the book in his arms. In a strange way, just holding something kept his mind anchored in the present, his legs carrying him back to the dorms in a trance.

Once he clicked the lock to his door, he weakly sunk down against it. Sure, his legs took him back to his room, but that's about all they could do. Shuichi accepted that; it was enough. In the silence of his own space, he ran a finger down the spine of the manuscript. "There... must be something more to this," he mumbled, barely loud enough for himself to hear it, and cracked the book open.

It was huge. Like, ridiculously huge. Shuichi felt as though he’s scarcely seen law textbooks at his uncle's office bigger than this. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but the thought brought some color to his mind that wasn't there before. That was just like Kokichi, to make him feel something unexpected.

Certain images flashed in his mind again. He leaned his head back. _Focus on the pages, Shuichi._

There was a haphazardly index of sorts, to start out. Looked like this whole thing really was dedicated to Kaito; so, Kokichi knew that much from the start. Since it was of such sizeable content, too much to be written solely after Kokichi was poisoned, Shuichi had entertained the thought that there might be scripts here aimed at multiple people. However, it seemed there was no need for that. Kokichi pinned Kaito as the only one likely to take on this plan from the moment he set his mastermind bit in motion. The length then, was dedicated to multiple types of trial scenarios, not to multiple culprit set-up scenarios.

Shuichi took in a deep breath, and released it slowly, like a breathing exercise. Mulling over case facts was like returning to normal, it was calming him. Even in a situation so... horrible. He drew his index finger down the opening glossary. The titles were pretty short, but to the point. "Plan reminder, opening act, accusation notes..." Shuichi trailed off as he mumbled each of them out loud. Reading aloud was a habit he worked hard to get rid of while studying detective work, but there was no helping it rearing its head in a time like this. He also made note that the writing was rather scratchy, all things considered-- of course Kokichi had written this under a great amount of stress, but it looked like more than that. His kanji strokes were horrible, his spacing was bad; his words were eloquent in that specific Kokichi-style as always, but the execution was awful. Almost like he had no formal training to speak of.

He shook his head. That sort of observation didn't matter anymore. "Second act, possible endings," he continued before pausing, hovering over one entry, "Saihara-chan notes. Notes for me, specifically?" Shuichi rubbed the back of his neck. Well, he guessed that wasn’t strange. Kokichi would've obviously known he would be the largest obstacle during the trial, and would’ve needed to prep Kaito according. The rest of the entries were of less interest, (though one called "extra tips on being the ultimate-ultimate supreme leader" and a giant note reading "IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CORRESPONDING LINE, STAY QUIET" at the bottom of the page did catch his eye) so Shuichi took the liberty of flipping to the pages dedicated to notes about himself.

And stopped dead in his tracks.

"Saihara-chan!"

He could almost hear that voice in his head. That sing-songy voice Kokichi used when he was about to unload some stupid lie on him, or ask him to play a game where his life was at stake. A voice he didn't realize his mind could perfectly replicate until this moment.

"I bet you're wondering how I knew you'd be reading this right now!" Kokichi's writing continued, and Shuichi was surprised. He really, really was. "Nishishishi! I can imagine the look on your face right now, and lemme tell you, it's really good. Good enough to justify taking precious, deathbed moments to write this! You should be honored!"

Shuichi took a second to shut his eyes. He really was surprised. And honestly... unsure how to feel. The trial had revealed Kokichi’s intentions to be something Shuichi never would’ve guessed, and though he solved the mystery-- it didn't mean he knew how he felt about it. He didn't know how he felt about Kokichi Ouma more than ever before, and yet here he is, the ghost of his words jumping out at him through the page.

"Don't worry, it's not that much of a mystery. I mean, it's not like that pea-brain wannabe spaceman would read this section, would he? Even from beyond the grave, I can see him sitting in the Exisal, saying _'Notes about Saihara-kun? Who needs those! I'm Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars! I know my bro like the back of my hand!'_ Riiight?"

Shuichi leaned his head back against the cold metal behind him. He guessed if Kaito could play Kokichi during the trial so well, it had to go both ways. Hearing such a specific imitation of Kaito would've made him laugh at any other time, but right now he was just feeling melancholic. Kokichi's letter didn't linger on it too long either, and Shuichi had a feeling he knew not to.

"Anyway, Saihara-chan, there are a few things I wanted to say to only you. Don't go thinking this is some sort of lame confession from the Supreme Leader, though! I'd never reveal the whole truth. I'm sure you'd want that, but I can't have you getting the wrong idea about me right at the end, can I? I'll never change." Shuichi sighed. Yes, he knew to expect this. He still found himself a tiny bit disappointed, though.

"First, did you enjoy the trial?"

What? No! Of course he didn't, how could he!

"Of course you didn't, right?"

...

"Heh, that would be your answer wouldn't it, even if everything went to plan. I wrote this specifically to gloat to you; a good Supreme Leader needs some time to monologue when he sees his ultimate plan come to fruition, even if it costs him his life in the process! After this, I bet you finally saw all the work I put in! All this work so I could stand before you and ask--"

_"Saihara-chan, are you smiling? Is the outside world bright?"_

"...But I can't ask that, can I? Because you wouldn't know, would you?"

Shuichi's mind was quiet. He had a million things to say, and nothing to say at all. Overall, he found himself with the unfamiliar feeling of just wanting to let Kokichi talk.

"I know my plan was a failure."

Though Shuichi was just reading, he could hear the voice in his head grow quiet. There was a tone in Kokichi's writing Shuichi had never heard out loud, but somehow he knew exactly what it sounded like. The unfiltered voice of someone who was definitely, finally, telling the truth.

"Or rather, I know that it will fail. I want to believe this is something I can do, that something I worked so hard on, sacrificed everything for, can work out in the end, but you know me. Belief isn't my forte. But, if there's one thing I can believe in, it's you."

Shuichi furrowed his brow. Kokichi has... always been there for him, in some sense. He noticed it at one point, the way he sometimes took the reins of the trials, for better or for worse, analyzing how to guide Shuichi through the motions even when his brain felt numb. But believing in him...

"I believe you love the truth more than anything else. You love the truth more than ending the killing game."

Shuichi felt his breathing hitch.

"You love the truth more than you love me. That's why you'll always be my downfall."

At some point, small, dark droplets had seeped into the page. Shuichi deftly wondered how they got there.

"So, this is a letter to my saboteur. My dear, beloved Saihara-chan. I know the outside world isn't that crock of shit the mastermind wants us to believe it is. And I know you'll find out the truth. That's my one belief. So, don't let me down! I know you won't be boring."

Some sort of putrid emotion crawled back to him. Anger? Heartache? Guilt? No, this was slightly different. It stung more, it burned more, the feeling settled in his gut like lava threatening to melt a hole right through him. Shuichi flipped to the next page, back and forth and back and forth, hoping and dreading that there might be more. There wasn't, of course. The next page slipped right into monologue instructions for Kaito, as if Kokichi's hidden letter was a fever dream Shuichi's mind made up in some cruel attempt to make him cry more tears than he had left in him. All he could do was stare hopelessly at the final line.

“See you later, Saihara-chan.”

Ah, he figured out the word he was looking for. Regret.

The pages crumpled in his fists as he curled over the book. He didn’t know what he should have done. He didn’t know what he wished went different, what he could have done differently. He didn’t know what was right. He was so, so scared of the truth, terrified of ever finding it after all it had done to him, but he couldn't stop. It was his duty. He didn’t love the truth, he had never loved it. He just didn’t have a choice. He was bound by it.

Shuichi Saihara was the truth.

Kokichi was right. He was his saboteur. He was destined to be. It was his red string that connected them and tied a noose around Kokichi's neck.

"I'm sorry..." The words came out strained, with no one around to hear them.

"I'll do my best…”

**Author's Note:**

> I think kokichi would be happy to know that it is, in fact, bright in the outside world.


End file.
